About Young BW Determined to Live Well

After being a faithful reader of various blogs dedicated to positively influencing black women, I recognized quite a few young black women in their teens, 20's, and 30's who were touched by the message as much as myself. This blog is my attempt to reach out and connect with young black women on issues we may be facing at a very transitional time in our lives. I encourage all, irrespective of age, class, origin, etc. to participate in the discussions and brainstorming sessions we have. I look forward to the potential of this blog and hope to hear from Young Black Women Determined to Live Well like myself!

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Allowing too much time to pass before jumping back into the game.

Good Evening to you all.
After doing my regular browsing of some of the blogs listed to the left of your computer screen, I came upon the most recent post at one of my favorite blogs:

As I read through the comment section, something came up that resonated with me. The commenters stated that for BW who leave a relationship, the waiting period before getting involved with someone else was simply too long compared to other women of different groups. Various reasons for this came about. One reason stated the indoctrination of BW has been to wait, and revaluate what went wrong, spend time on fixing or cultivating ourselves before getting involved again, etc. In addition, it was stated that in the black community, immediately dusting ourselves off for the next love interest to come along would often result in being negatively portrayed. For one of my closest family members who is more than twice my age, after her husband died, she was in a new relationship within the following 5-6 months after the funeral. She loved her first husband no less, but told me, "a woman has got to do what a woman has got to do." When I reflect on past behaviors, I realize that I waited much too long between my encounters with other men. However, my circumstances were significantly different from the family member I described.

Without making excuses for young black women who have found that they have taken a long time to jump back into the dating game after leaving an unfulfilling relationship, I wanted to hash out some points:

  • Young black women of today are inheriting a significant gender imbalance that may not have affected black women of earlier generations to the same degree. 

  • Young black women living within the United States have to deal with the thick residue of racism that still permeates the country today, and unquestionably rears it's ugly head when we take a look at people's personal lives and who they choose to share it with.

  • Young black women are getting mixed messages or no message at all from their own communities and their peers.

  • Young black women who are not fortunate enough to have access to men of quality within their closest spheres may in fact be surrounded by low-value guys. If this is the case for them, how could we possibly expect for them to move on when the options of men in their area would result in the same poor manner or potentially worse?

I am currently brainstorming possible solutions to this situation, and I am sure it may even inspire further questions. Any suggestions ladies?


  1. Meena: You ask an interesting question and I think the answer lies in how other young black women address those imbalances. For example you ask if they are surrounded by low value males how do they move on? Well, the answer is to get away from those low value (mostly likely NO value and DBR males anyway) to begin with. The work of emotionally and intellectually removing oneself must begin first but the physical removal is equally as important. It can be as simple as going to a coffee shop in a different neighborhood or signing up for an art class. The degree of success will be determined by the amount of sustained efforts of the women. Plus, they need to learn how to select quality males to begin with. CW blog host of Black Women Deserve Better offered a very good dating course a while back. There are resources available so the "confusion" aspect starts to seem like resistance to making beneficial changes. If it was a matter of buying a pair of Manolos or some other material good there would not be any "confusion" about how to get it. The women would just do it, whether they could afford it or not. Well, this is far more important and I'm sensing some disconnect that needs to be resolved. IF they want to live their best life they have to put forth their best efforts past their comfort zones.

  2. The gender imbalance is NOT JUST among black women; white women in rural areas as well are gettin with trashy men--Ive noticed the best men that stay with their families are Indian (india), Middle Eastern (not weird type muslums) and Asians (if they value education) as a group

  3. An "each one, teach one" approach would be of some value, as would directing them to blog sites such as yours, Faith's, Khadija's, and all the rest.
    Nothing's more powerful than leading by example, however, and I think we are going to make alot of headway in this manner.
    **We interrupt this blog posting for an important announcement**
    The holiday shopping season is in full swing, and NOW is the time for all the supporters of BWE work to put their money where their mouths are.
    Now is the time to support blog hosts by buying their books as gifts for friends (or yourself!) Now is the time to head over to Etsy.com and find a sista who's whipping up homemade products. Buy them as gifts.
    Now's the time to buy a Rissi Palmer or Angel Taylor CD.
    Now's the time to hit up Loose ID for Roslyn's latest release.
    Now's the time to order homemade cookies from that sista you know who bakes up batches to sell every holiday season.
    Now is the time.


  4. Hello, hello letting you know the first in s new series on femininity for black women. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YIKScsSJC3M

  5. Hi, I'm here to show you my new post that I made for today about how black people are convincing black women that they are the least desirable to all men.


  6. thats the truth anon. many whites in rural areas are in a bad way ESPECIALLY when the men start tattoing themselves in weird places (necks, faces) so they are not as employable--and the meth problem is as bad as the crack problem in the urban areas...THE only difference is space anyway, if it is still December 25, JOYEUX NOEL!!

  7. I have an observation:

    Young black women are forced with a double standard regarding interracial relationships. This leads to internal conflict.

  8. with regards to the point made about the gender imbalance, i would like to sound the alarm in warning that toughER times are ahead:


    and no, its not just russian men. there is an interesting documentary directed by Marc De Guerre called The Disappearing Male. please watch it and acknowledge that it affects us all. self preservation means that power and priviledge will be used as effective tools that they are for those who have them.as i like to say, its nothing personal.

    i dont mean to trivialize these concerns but....

    one of the BWE writers wrote something that has stayed with me: choosing a husband will be the single most important choice you have to make in your life. those are not her exact words but they are close.

    reminder to sef: winners analyse, losers criticize.

    now, go play!!!